A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

The Dark Side Of Infertility

My heart goes out to the Hubby and family of Nicola Starr - she wasn't anyone I knew, but I read of her story and can identify with her struggle. Nicola Starr was a 37 wife who had been trying to have a baby with her Hubby of 12 years, but was unsuccessful, suffering a miscarriage after IVF treatment. Read the report about Nicola Starr here.

As a result, she became depressed; and after fertility treatment was stopped in 2008, Nicola began to drink, attempting suicide on a number of occasions. She also lost her job, and had an accident which affected her health, adding to her pain and depression. Nicola died from an overdose, earlier this year. 

The sad fact is that infertility does have this type of affect on seemingly normal women... women who are strong, women in the Church who are strong in their faith, women who look like they have it all together. There are many of us who have suffered with depression on some level - and dare I say - some of us have even contemplated the purpose of life if we can't conceive, considering death - no doubt there will be women who read this who have actually attempted suicide. Yes - even in the Church.

Father God, I lift up the Husband and family of Nicola Starr, and pray that You would comfort them and lead them to a place where they will come to know Your presence as you carry them through the valley of death. I pray, Lord, that You will make Yourself known to all of them.

And Lord, I ask that You would draw close to any woman who is in such a dark place in her Journey through fertility, that You would be her light - that You would turn Your ace toward her, cause Your light to shine upon her, showing her mercy and grace and hope in her situation. I pray that for every whisper in her mind that death is a way out, You would combat the lie with the truth of Your life. Oh Lord, even now - let her know she is not alone. Through thought, through word, through deed - a knock on the door, a verbal message, a text, an email, phonecall, or any other electronic means... Lord bring hope and encouragement at this very moment for all those who feel as Nicola felt... for those who don't know You - may they come to know You and rely on You in this storm, and for those who do know You, may they draw closer to You, knowing You will never leave her nor forsake her. In Jesus name I pray.

The Silent Echoes Need to Be Heard

Over the last few months I have seen a number of articles from women from a variety of walks of life speaking out about fertility struggles. The latest one, this morning, is with presenter Kirstie Allsop who says in an interview with the Daily Telegraph (quoted in the Daily Mail), "‘Some of the greatest pain that I have seen among friends is the struggle to have a child...We should speak honestly and frankly about fertility."

The basis of what she said has come from watching friends of her generation being coerced into fighting for that perfect life - the degree, the career, the fabulous home and lifestyle AND THEN settle into marriage and becoming a mother. Kirstie is convinced that the women she knows who are fighting a massive battle against infertility, weren't given a fair chance by society. She considers herself a feminist, and feels that the pressure on women to have it all has brought too many of our generation into a place of deep regret and longing for their own baby. 

Although, and in the interview Kirstie acknowledges this, not all women tried to live up to the pressure she describes, for some women life dealt them an unfair hand - they didn't meet their husband early enough, or they have conditions like PCOS or Endometriosis which have affected them from an early age. But she makes a very important point, which I also firmly believe... We need to speak up about fertility! 

There are many reasons why we don't speak out... embarrassment, pity, the stupid things people say, fear of what people will think of us, breakdown in relationships when others don't know how to respond, oh, and the biggie - the stigma STILL associated with infertility... These are very real reasons, often - unfortunately for many of us - based on the reactions we have already received from those we have dared to share our situations with.

The Church should set the precedent for society, but the Church is as silent as the world on the whole issue of infertility. So where we silently suffer on this road, surrounded by our Church family, inside our screams are so loud they are literally echoing around God'd throne room. Which is why I believe there is a stirring of something within many areas of the Church - from a course which HTB ran a couple of years ago in London, to the women's conference I attended earlier this year where one of speakers encouraged women struggling with infertility for about 10 minutes. It's a start. 

I think the more women in the media speak out about infertility, the more the Church will begin to hear the silent echoes of the women amongst us, as they reverberate back to earth. And when this happens, whether in my generation or not, I really believe we will know how to fully carry, support and stand alongside couples in our Church family who are literally staggering under the weight of their burden. 


Father God, may that day soon come.
And where I can be more vocal - here I am, use me. In Jesus name.

Does God Know When..?

I was praying for a friend at our Church Prayer Meeting the other night, she is on a similar journey with her Hubby, although they have been on the road for many years. The reason we ended up praying together was because someone had just brought a Word of knowledge, and the the Pastor asked us to "seal the Word of God" and to pray in pairs, specifically for God to break-through where we individually need God to move in our lives. So because my friend and I are closely supporting each other, she suddenly appeared next to me while the Pastor was still speaking.

Now, I'll be honest, I was still in that frame of mind which had affected my weekend, where I still trying to find God in this leg of the journey, nevermind having the faith to pray anything coherent!

But, God literally worked through my brokenness and the Holy Spirit prayed through my mouth for my friend. She looked at me, with tears on her cheeks and said, "Wow! That's God!" and I was like, "It must have been, I've literally got nothing!!" That's when you know God IS walking by your side, when you somehow find the words to join your faith with someone else and pray.

One of the things I prayed for them, was about God being with them to the point where they can literally hear His voice telling them the right time, the right moment, for the seed to be fertilised. This has lead me to wonder, "Just how much does God actually care about our daily lives?" Obviously He knows our bodies intimately, and He knows how the development of Bubba will occur but can He, through His Holy Spirit, lead us to the when? The when for a Hubby and wife to make love and release the seed which is needed?

If He can... then I pray that our ears will be tuned into His voice so that we will know that one moment needed for that one egg to be fertilised. I pray that every Hubby and wife who knows the Lord, and can hear His voice, will learn to recognise His voice, even in that one moment. And may He fill our empty arms with the much longed-for Bubba. In Jesus name.

You'll Never Walk Alone

After hiding from Church and people on Sunday morning (see previous post for explanation), I went to Church in the evening. I was debating whether to go or not in the car, but decided I would. And I'm glad I went. God is so amazing!!! 

When I had been feeling like I'm alone in this struggle for Bubba, the sermon delivered that night was "You'll never walk alone". This was exactly what I needed to be reminded of, because when we're in the midst of the battle, sometimes we don't hear the simplest of God's promises to those who put their trust in Him. 

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NLT)  So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

There are many times the Lord reminds us that we are not alone, and it is this still, small voice which is whispering right into the depths of my heart, right into my brokenness, right into the midst of my loneliness and isolation - I AM with you.  Where no one else can see - God is there, and He hears the silent screams which others aren't aware of, even those closest to me.

It's not just words. It's truth. It's reassurance. It's hope. It's what I really needed to hear, that I am not alone, even though it feels like it. That God hasn't given up on His plan for my life, even though it seems like this Journey for Bubba caught Him off-guard like it caught me off-guard. That no tear is released without God knowing the reason behind it - even when I have no idea what triggered the tears this time. God knows. God cares. God is there. He will not leave me. He will not forsake me. He is there. He is here.


Father God, it is so hard to walk this Journey, when it seems that there is not end to it, as months roll into years, and life continues marching forward as it always has done, and when it seems that everyone else has forgotten what we are facing each month. Father, thank You that You are true to Your word, that when You promised You wouldn't leave my side, or forsake me to walk alone, that You are right there with me, with Hubby, and with us together in our heartache. Father, thank You for reminding me of this. I pray that every husband or wife who needs to know You are there with them, at this moment - whether this moment is in the reading of this prayer, or in the moment of my writing, I pray Your would comfort them to the point where they know You truly are there and You haven't left them alone. I pray, Father, that everyone one of us walking our own Journey for Bubba would know for sure that we do not walk alone. In Jesus name.

Walking Through The Grief

I'm supposed to be at Church, but I've come into hiding. I needed to take time out from crowds, from fixing the smile on my face and from trying to hold it all together. I needed to do as Jesus did and take off to be alone with the Father.

In doing so, I brought with me one of the 'infertility' books I have in the hope that somehow, I will understand what's happening in my head over the last few days. I turned to the first chapter on the healing section and this is within the first paragraph,

As our grief progresses, we are likely to experience damage to our significant relationships, our sense of self, our relationship with our heavenly Father, and even to our thought processes.

Well...that just about sums up the prayer I wrote in my journal before reading!! Sometimes, it's enough to know we're not alone in what we're going through, that someone, somewhere understands us and what we're experiencing. Because the worst ever feeling is thinking you're alone in this. And believe me, I have felt like that!

A few pages later, the authors say something which I'd never actually given myself the freedom to accept,
Expect a struggle within yourself.... Satan would love to see your struggle with infertility create a permanent separation between you and others. He is at war to accomplish that.

There are times when I have sensed the deep struggle within myself. The struggle between my desire to be Bubba's Mumma, and the reality of a life where this isn't yet the case. It is a war. I'm in a war, constantly, of being divided from God, Hubby, and others around me. Of being isolated, because in Ecclesiastes, the Bible speaks of there being safety and strength in numbers..."how can one..."

I remember preaching about how satan's plan is to divide and conquer the individual. Here I am, a year or so later, feeling the loneliness of fighting a battle in isolation... This is not God's will for any of us.

Don't let the enemy convince you that you're alone in your struggle...know that God is with you, and He will strengthen you each day. He knows your weaknesses and your failings, and He also has people He places around you to support and encourage you. Allow yourself the freedom to be open and vulnerable... You'll be allowing them to fulfill their God-given purpose in your life.

Oh how easy it is to write this, how much harder it is to allow ourselves to be weak with those who love us.

Father God, help me through the grief to find Your healing. Help me find You. In Jesus' name, remind me today how close You are in this walk through the pain and heartache, to me and to all those women who love You and need to know you're with them too.

The New BHF Advert

Is anyone else disturbed by the new British Heart Foundation advert, which features a baby not yet born, or is it just me being over-sensitive because Aunt Flo arrived on the same day I saw it???

I understand charities need to raise money and all that, but I do think the advert which is supposedly an unborn baby talking, is actually a really crude attempt at making money.

It's incredibly insensitive to all the mother's who have lost their children during pregnancy or childbirth.

Or I think it is.

Father I pray You would comfort any woman who sees this advert and re-lives the grief of losing her precious one. In Jesus name.