Overwhelmed

I want a baby!

Hubby is currently away, spending time with his son, and it's giving me time to think and wonder what it would be like to spend time with my own child. It doesn't help when Hubby handed the phone to my Step-Son who thought it was his mum and so called me "mum". 

What would it be really like to be called "mum", like for real? 
By my own child? 
To actually belong to someone in that way???

There's only so long I can stay strong for, before the hurt begins to overwhelm me... and today is one of those days. A day of unmet longings. A day of wondering. A day of sadness. A day of heaviness. A day of recognising the loneliness, rather than trying to run from it, or hide from it. 

To admit - I want a baby.

And though it has been thrown at me, "You're too desperate" is that such a bad thing??
I am desperate.
Desperate to have a child of my own.
Desperate to be a mum.


God is our strength, and draws closest to us when we feel furthest away from His embrace. 

Eavesdropping Again!

So I was sitting in my second office - which actually doubles as a coffee shop - when in comes this fabulous couple with three children, stealing a chair from my table, they crowd around one of the little coffee tables.

In between reviewing Christian music for an article, I suddenly hear the family discussing the names they will call the baby. This outing was one for the parents to inform their children that they will be joined by a little Jessica or Henry.

It was really cute, actually, listening to the family discussing the future, and to hear the excitement of the soon to be older siblings of a new-born. It made me wonder what it would be like. If / when we get the pleasure of speaking to my gorgeous Step Son about a future brother or sister we would add as a family unit to his life. Although he's at the age where he relishes having his Dad all to himself! Who knows how he will take the news!

But for now, I'll just eavesdrop on the happy news of this family, and dream one day of my own family as we sit together in my second office, jiggling along to the jazzy music with joy at what the future holds.


Father God, I pray for the family, and all other families who are expecting a new arrival this year. Lord I pray Your hand of protection over the mother as she carries her developing baby, and I pray - for this family next to me in particular, that if they don't know You, they will come to know You, that the new baby will accomplish great things for You and Your Kingdom, become a world-changer for Your glory! In Jesus name, I pray - knowing that although I will never see this prayer answered, You will watch over the baby and his or her family.

Unfulfilled Nurturer

Within most of us women who are TTC, I think there is a deep-seated desire to nurture. To be a Momma is to put this ability God placed in us into action, and the fact that we don't yet have our own Bubba means this desire is largely unsatisfied. 

It's just another aspect of our Journey to become a Mumma which is missing among the fanfare of IVF or hospital investigations. Another one of those things which doesn't really gt discussed unless you are in the journey yourself.

I recently noticed this desperate longing to nurture becoming more prominent, when one night Hubby, in his half-asleep wanderings to the kitchen for a midnight snack, slipped down the stairs. I didn't realise he'd actually left the bed til I heard him falling, then I was straight up to check on him. Clearly a grown man doesn't want to be nurtured or comforted or kissed better. He wants to be a man about it. To get up, hide in his cave and lick his wounds.

I found myself feeling ridiculously rejected by his pushing me away, and finally recognised that what I'm missing, is having that opportunity to care for someone. Not that becoming a mother is all about me fulfilling that part of womanhood, but as I said from the outset, there is a deep longing to care, to comfort, to nurture.

Having my nephews live close to me is great. There's a bit of an outlet when  we go on one of our 'aunt dates', or with my stepson when he stays with us. And maybe that should be enough for me right now. But as the boys grow older, this will lessen. Will my desire to be a nurturer lessen too?  Or will the Unfulfilled Nurturer 'sub-heading' of infertility grow more intense with each month that passes?

Was part of the anguish women like Hannah in the Bible felt, a result of having some opportunity to nurture with having her husband's children around the home, and intensified longing of her heart to fully nurture her own child? To be fully Mumma?

Father God, help me not to feel rejected. Help me to recognise the moments You give to me, to offer comfort and care to those around me. In Jesus name.

Don't Be Duped

As if IVF wasn't a difficult thing for us to go through, but it seems that there are people out there who are determined to cash in on our pain and misery, by trying to say that women need to have more tests and checks than we actually need to have. Read the article in the Daily Mail here.

When Hubby and I looked into taking the route down the IVF road, we visited one of the CARE Clinics' open evenings to try to get a picture of who they are and what they offer. I'd had a severe allergic reaction to Clomid (like not being able to breathe-type-of severe!) and was advised by the Consultant - who knew our case - to not take ANY kind of fertility drugs as they would cause the same type of reaction (read more about the Clomid route here). 

During the Q&A session, when I was asking about natural IVF, the woman leading the presentation seemed to be more concerned with getting me go through full IVF, rather than the reduced price, ergo less-income for-them, natural IVF. At the time, Hubby also had the impression that they played on women's emotions in this type of circumstance, in order to make money.

It is really frustrating that "Baby-Making" has become such a big money spinner for those who are prepared to cash-in on our problems. There are people

in suits who know that we will literally try anything and everything to get the reward of our own baby in our arms, and they are unscrupulous enough to make money on our pain and anguish. And I'm not just talking about the IVF / IUI etc routes. We consume pills and potions and eat organic / gluten-free / sugar-free anything in order to feel like we can have control over our bodies and the situation surrounding our fertility! It's big business!

Women have for centuries, been successfully having babies. I pray the Lord will give us wisdom in our walk with Him to know when to buy and when to refrain from buying. Why should our desperation for a baby line the pockets of someone who really doesn't care if we successfully have a baby or not. Even if you are at this moment being told you need to do some test you have already undergone, I pray the Lord will lead you to actually know whether it is right - or just a way for money to be made. May you know the steps He has for you to take on your path for your own Bubba.


Father God, wanting a baby, and not being able to have one is so incredibly painful. The longing to have the void in my womb filled, and for my arms to hold the precious gift of my own baby remains unfulfilled and is a burden weighing me down daily. But Father, I know that You genuinely care about the outcome of my Journey for Bubba, just as you do for every woman reading this. I pray you would help us to not become so blinded by the promises of the world of what might work, but that Your voice would speak to me clearly about what I need to do or not do. protect us from the schemes of men to make money out of our heartache. In Jesus name I pray.

A Wasted Month

Recently, my doctor's surgery has closed down, and all we patients were "merged" with a local medical centre. It's a swanky new build, with a "cheese counter" ticket machine and visual flashy thing to let you know when the Doctor is ready to see you, to save the Receptionist from shouting over the counter.

Having recently recovered from tonsillitis, I have realised why starting with a new doctor, is like starting the whole fertility journey from the beginning. Had he been aware that Hubby and I are TTC, I wouldn't have been prescribed the antibiotics which clearly states on the information leaflet "do not take if you are pregnant, breast-feeding, or trying to conceive". Had I not been rendered incapable by the tonsillitis, I might have thought to say something when asked, "are you allergic to anything" like, "No, but I am TTC".

So here's to a wasted month... Who knows what could have been - though probably wouldn't have been!

This Journey of Bubba involves a complete change of life-style, and a deepened awareness of so many things, which most people who "fall" pregnant so quickly have no idea about. It's not a temporary thing either - it's an on-going decision, at every stage, in every situation to make choices, and often be open about what we are trying to achieve in our marriage. For an indefinite length of time. Sharing with complete randoms the private and personal life of our marriage.

That's not easy.


Father God, I pray You would give us strength for the long-haul of this Journey for Bubba, because without You sustaining us, we could so easily become overwhelmed by it all. In Jesus name.

The Dark Side Of Infertility

My heart goes out to the Hubby and family of Nicola Starr - she wasn't anyone I knew, but I read of her story and can identify with her struggle. Nicola Starr was a 37 wife who had been trying to have a baby with her Hubby of 12 years, but was unsuccessful, suffering a miscarriage after IVF treatment. Read the report about Nicola Starr here.

As a result, she became depressed; and after fertility treatment was stopped in 2008, Nicola began to drink, attempting suicide on a number of occasions. She also lost her job, and had an accident which affected her health, adding to her pain and depression. Nicola died from an overdose, earlier this year. 

The sad fact is that infertility does have this type of affect on seemingly normal women... women who are strong, women in the Church who are strong in their faith, women who look like they have it all together. There are many of us who have suffered with depression on some level - and dare I say - some of us have even contemplated the purpose of life if we can't conceive, considering death - no doubt there will be women who read this who have actually attempted suicide. Yes - even in the Church.

Father God, I lift up the Husband and family of Nicola Starr, and pray that You would comfort them and lead them to a place where they will come to know Your presence as you carry them through the valley of death. I pray, Lord, that You will make Yourself known to all of them.

And Lord, I ask that You would draw close to any woman who is in such a dark place in her Journey through fertility, that You would be her light - that You would turn Your ace toward her, cause Your light to shine upon her, showing her mercy and grace and hope in her situation. I pray that for every whisper in her mind that death is a way out, You would combat the lie with the truth of Your life. Oh Lord, even now - let her know she is not alone. Through thought, through word, through deed - a knock on the door, a verbal message, a text, an email, phonecall, or any other electronic means... Lord bring hope and encouragement at this very moment for all those who feel as Nicola felt... for those who don't know You - may they come to know You and rely on You in this storm, and for those who do know You, may they draw closer to You, knowing You will never leave her nor forsake her. In Jesus name I pray.

The Silent Echoes Need to Be Heard

Over the last few months I have seen a number of articles from women from a variety of walks of life speaking out about fertility struggles. The latest one, this morning, is with presenter Kirstie Allsop who says in an interview with the Daily Telegraph (quoted in the Daily Mail), "‘Some of the greatest pain that I have seen among friends is the struggle to have a child...We should speak honestly and frankly about fertility."

The basis of what she said has come from watching friends of her generation being coerced into fighting for that perfect life - the degree, the career, the fabulous home and lifestyle AND THEN settle into marriage and becoming a mother. Kirstie is convinced that the women she knows who are fighting a massive battle against infertility, weren't given a fair chance by society. She considers herself a feminist, and feels that the pressure on women to have it all has brought too many of our generation into a place of deep regret and longing for their own baby. 

Although, and in the interview Kirstie acknowledges this, not all women tried to live up to the pressure she describes, for some women life dealt them an unfair hand - they didn't meet their husband early enough, or they have conditions like PCOS or Endometriosis which have affected them from an early age. But she makes a very important point, which I also firmly believe... We need to speak up about fertility! 

There are many reasons why we don't speak out... embarrassment, pity, the stupid things people say, fear of what people will think of us, breakdown in relationships when others don't know how to respond, oh, and the biggie - the stigma STILL associated with infertility... These are very real reasons, often - unfortunately for many of us - based on the reactions we have already received from those we have dared to share our situations with.

The Church should set the precedent for society, but the Church is as silent as the world on the whole issue of infertility. So where we silently suffer on this road, surrounded by our Church family, inside our screams are so loud they are literally echoing around God'd throne room. Which is why I believe there is a stirring of something within many areas of the Church - from a course which HTB ran a couple of years ago in London, to the women's conference I attended earlier this year where one of speakers encouraged women struggling with infertility for about 10 minutes. It's a start. 

I think the more women in the media speak out about infertility, the more the Church will begin to hear the silent echoes of the women amongst us, as they reverberate back to earth. And when this happens, whether in my generation or not, I really believe we will know how to fully carry, support and stand alongside couples in our Church family who are literally staggering under the weight of their burden. 


Father God, may that day soon come.
And where I can be more vocal - here I am, use me. In Jesus name.