It's Not Faith I Lack...

I posted the picture below on one of my social media pages which had been shared through infertility online, a page which had been set up to encourage women like me who are struggling with the battle for a baby. I removed the link to the name of the support group, because so many of the people I have links with have no idea of the battle I am in. Which is probably the same for many of us. There are only a select few friends who truly know what I and Hubby are dealing with.

It really hit home to me the fact that in life, some dreams will never come true. My dream of becoming a forensic psychologist as a young teenager amounted to nothing because I changed my mind as to what I wanted to be; and my dream to lead worship at Spring Harvest didn't happen when I moved churches, so stopped leading worship in my dad's Church.

But neither of these really cost anywhere near as much as the dream of motherhood. And the brokenness I feel at this particular heart desire which has not (yet??) been fulfilled. The idea of daring to dream a new dream seems as impossible to believe as my longing to be momma to my own bubba, maybe you can identify with this? And the closer I creep to 40 (the countdown to 2017 has started!) the further away my dream seems floats from me. 

So when I posted the image, a couple of friends who have no idea what I am going through, posted "encouraging" comments. Which I appreciate. I really do. 

But I had absolutely no idea how to respond when one of them posed the following question:

"...but don't you find the reward from God your father is much bigger n far better than you could of dreamt of?"

My immediate thought was, "No. Not always." But how can I put that without appearing to be lacking faith, or inviting lots of even more "encouraging" comments or Bible verses or whatever, which would be trying to combat my apparent lack of faith. Lack of faith is not what I suffer from. Grieving the dream of becoming a Mumma is what I suffer from. There is no simple, straightforward, catch-all verse or statement of faith and encouragement to help that because the pain of the emptiness and longing can't just be faithed away like that. 

So, I should just keep quiet, shouldn't I? Let others live peacefully in their "faith-bubble" where God seems to give better than they had originally dreamed, without my frustrations being allowed to waver their own hope and faith in God....Right???

Learning from Childhood

In Church this morning, there was a seriously touching moment a couple of rows in front of me, which caused me to reflect, once again, on what could have been had things worked out as I thought they would have.

There are a couple of families in our Church whose young daughters are the best of friends, and as soon as they arrive, they seek each other out and sit next to each other so they can chatter about all kinds of things while the adults are in worship. At five and six, they have lots to catch up on.

This morning, the young friends were sitting side by side as we sang The Splendour of the King, and holding hands, they both lifted their free hand to join in the adoration and declaration of our Saviour. One of the girls' parents looked at his daughter and her friend and smiled with pride. Sitting a couple of seats away was another girl - I think she is new - with her mum, she looked about seven or eight years old, and she too lifted her hand as she was singing. She looked up at her mum who looked at her daughter and brought her hand to her heart with the joy of a mother seeing her child loving Jesus.

All three of the girls may have been imitating their parents, but I've not seen them engage in the worship before today. They may have genuinely been impacted by the simplicity of the truth of the song. They may have been encourage each other to lift their hands, but I believe this would have brought as much - if not more - joy and pride in the love and actions of the three children. Just as He delights in our own praise and adoration of Him. There is such a purity in watching the three of them joining in as we worshipped, "How great is our God".

My heart was full of wonder.

But with this was the stark reminder of one of my dreams, which has always been to witness my child in his or her own adoration of the God I had hoped to introduce them to. I have longed, since before I was even married, to see the children I bear to truly worship Yeshua in a way that would inspire and encourage me in my own worship. I believe children, with their "clean hands and pure heart" (Psalm 24:4), are able to experience the love and closeness with Abba in a way adults are unable to. I base this on the fact that I asked Yeshua to be my best friend when I was eight years old, and know how He was with me even at that age. And so I long to introduce my child to the One Who will also be their best friend.

My heart ached.

Father God, sometimes it hits me in the strangest of ways, what I am missing. Please help me to enjoy the wonder of moments like this, when You give me a glimpse of what could be. Even if it causes my heart to hurt. I pray for each of the girls, that You would truly be the best friend who will remain by their side throughout every day of every year of their lives. May they come to know You in such a real way, that they will know Your leading in their lives, and may they do amazing things with You as they fulfil the calling You place on their futures. In Jesus name.

God Enabled...

There are times when I really struggle with trying to understand God. Not surprising when His thoughts and ways are far beyond my simple comprehension. But every now and again, I come across a verse which upsets and frustrates me. Today, one of the guest speakers was preaching from the life of Ruth. 

The verse which hit me wasn't even one of the verses he was focussed on during his preach, but that is sometimes the way God works - at least for me - in that He will draw my attention to something else. Ruth 4:13 TLV: "So Boaz took Ruth, and she became his wife. When he went to her, Adonai enabled her to conceive, and she gave birth to a son."

This is the Tree of Life version - a Messianic Family Bible developed with Messianic Jewish and Christian scholars. I like it because it includes some of the Jewish names of God.

The bit which struck me was "Adonai enabled her to conceive". Obviously, being brought up a Pastor's Kid, I've read the book of Ruth many times. But reading in a new or different version can shed a new light on an "old" story. I mean I know God is the Creator of life, and that we're given the gift of a child through Him, and He knits us together in our mother's wombs and all that, but this concept that God enables us to conceive.... why doesn't He enable all of us to conceive. Or rather, why hasn't God enabled me to conceive. 

And so, here I am again, back in that place of wondering if I have been soooo hideously bad that God is punishing me by not enabling me to conceive. Or maybe I'm just not cut out for motherhood, which is why He hasn't enabled me to conceive. Or maybe...!

I wish I knew. I wish I could work it out. I wish I could understand God, and why He enables some women to conceive and not others.... especially those women who don't actually want children. Or who mistreat them, abuse them or neglect them. I wish I knew how God chooses who will be blessed with children and who won't. Is it that simple???? 

Interesting that Stephen Fry has been in the conversation of many Christians for his attack on God earlier in the week. Maybe because he is such an outspoken, anti-God atheist it riled us and we didn't like the way Fry spoke about our God in that way. But one of the things it has highlighted is that even the most seasoned Christian is similar to the atheist in that one way.... we all have questions we would bring to God. I think I had hundreds when I was growing up my parents coudn't answer so they used to say, "You'll have to ask God." 

This question of why God hasn't enabled me to conceive, compared to some women, is one of my questions I would love to ask Him. The question of my faith, though, remains unchallenged. Even by this. Because whatever is happening, I know the only One Who can carry me through the good days and the bad ones, is the One Who knows my beginning from my end, and He knows the plans He has for my life. I can trust that when the time is right, God will enable me to conceive. And if the time is never right, He will give me the strength to get through every dark day I face, He will enable me to stand, even when I feel like falling on my knees and giving up.

Father God, I don't understand. But Father God, I trust You. Help me to stand.

Designer Babies... One Step Closer to Playing God

On Tuesday 3rd February, the British Government debated a change to the law for IVF treatment, and allowed to pass the notion of babies to be created from three parents. Of course, the reason for this, we are told, is to "offer help" to those mothers who have a genetic disorder which can be passed on to their child, thereby genetically modifying a human being so they won't be affected by genetic disease or illnesses. We have been led to believe this is the ONLY reason for allowing this procedure to be carried out, to take away the threat of genetic disorders which affect many children. Oh, and we have the assurance that "designer babies" will still be illegal. 

As a Christian, this concerns me deeply.
As a woman trying to conceive, this concerns me deeply.
As a hetrosexual married woman, this concerns me deeply.

At the risk of being politically incorrect, I am going to just say it as I see it! It doesn't make me a "bigot" just because I choose to believe the Word of God, and to make informed opinions based on what He says. So if you think you're going to be offended by what the Bible says.... stop reading now! 

If we look back at history, when "homosexuality", for example, was legalised, it was only a few decades before the spit in the face of God became an outright smack in His mouth (from where the Word proceeds), and "gay marriage" became legal. I watched in horror, knowing that the next step will be the legalisation of a gay couple to become equal genetic parents. In this, mankind is effectively saying, "Ha! God! You're wrong!! A family doesn't have to consist of an 'Adam' and an 'Eve'. We can, and will, do it our way. You can't stop us, and if you try, then you are as horrible a god as we knew you were." As well as saying, "God you have been making people sick and suffering from disorders for long enough, we're taking control and eliminating all illnesses created by you."

Judges 21:25(NKJ) In those days... everyone did what was right in his own eyes.

God is the Creator of life. That mankind has set himself against Him and is int he process of trying to create life without Him, is heading deeper into trouble. I personally, already think  God grieves over our nation and is in the process of turning His back on us (I'm not talking about those of us who are in a relationship with Him), as we AS A NATION refuse to repent over the sin we are actively engaged in... including this new turn in science.

I guess Jeremy Vine's series on Radio Two, "What makes us human?" would be a good starting point for so many people trying to understand whether this process of altering a baby's DNA is OK or not. What makes us human? I have heard science try to justify their progress because a baby is not human until it is born - that a fetus isn't worth considering as a human life. I say... WRONG! From the moment of conception, God knits us together in our mother's womb (Psalm 139:13). We are life. We are human. We have His breath within us which is what, in my opinion, makes us human. The very breath of God. "But babies don't start breathing straight away, not while the egg is developing!" No! BUT... God is right there, watching our "unformed substance" (Psalm 138:16) as it begins to take form in that secret hidden place. To do our own "knitting together" of human life is playing God. 

 

This next step of using IVF to "tweak" the DNA of a baby will have the boundaries pushed over the coming years; because why shouldn't anyone be denied the right to become a real parent, just because they chose to be married to someone of the same gender? Or why shouldn't a couple decide they want to create a baby using the best bits of both parents? And all this is accomplish-able through IVF, so why not make the best use of what tools are now available, shouldn't everyone have the right to have a perfect life - a beauty does give you sooo much better a start in life, so why shouldn't any parent be allowed to give their designer child the best possible start in life... Meanwhile, back on planet earth, hundreds of couples like me, who are hetrosexual and trying for a baby, have to play a postcode lottery to be given a slim chance of IVF.... although, for the record, I didn't fit the criteria, so am not eligible for IVF - even if I could have justified the ethics about going down that road! 

When IVF was first developed, it was a "tool" to aid a woman and her husband who were struggling to conceive naturally, the ability to have a child of their own.... then for a couple to include a doner parent, if needed (allegedly because a woman isn't producing her own eggs, for example).

Genetic modification was a "tool" to aid the perfect development of food, then of medical breakthrough... now of life itself.

I fear we are on a very slippery slope to self-destruction, as a nation, at trying to set ourselves up above God. Let me leave you with this final offering from Genesis 11 (CJB):

The whole earth used the same language, the same words... They said to one another, “Come, let’s make bricks and bake them in the fire.” So they had bricks for building-stone and clay for mortar. Then they said, “Come, let’s build ourselves a city with a tower that has its top reaching up into heaven, so that we can make a name for ourselves and not be scattered all over the earth.” Adonai came down to see the city and the tower the people were building. Adonai said, “Look, the people are united, they all have a single language, and see what they’re starting to do! At this rate, nothing they set out to accomplish will be impossible for them! Come, let’s go down and confuse their language, so that they won’t understand each other’s speech.” (Bold is author's addition)

Let us not become complacent in what we see happening around us, or deceived into thinking that it is not as bad as some Christians are making out, because God will not be mocked (Galatians 6:7)! One day, He will call to account all of these people who are sticking two fingers in His face, slapping him in the mouth or kicking Him out of their lives... Then what will science have to "offer to help"??!

Father God, forgive us...

That Awkward Moment When...

Hubby and I decided that after me being away in Israel, that we would go out for a walk and lunch together, before continuing with those separate jobs we have to do. So we went to one of our favourite local coffee houses, complete with pink walls and delicious food! Perfect!!

There were a number of people in the cafe with us, including a number of families with small children, who made a beeline for the play area in the corner of the cafe. Suddenly, without warning, or any inclination of what was about to happen, tears started to well up in my eyes and fall down my cheeks. Hubby was concerned, "What's wrong, love?" To be honest I have absolutely no idea where they came from or why I was crying over my chocolate-orange cake, but in this moment, my heart ached as I observed young children showing their parents bright, shiny toys they were enjoying playing with. 

There is no limit to when the grief strikes, if there was I'd have known to avoid going out for lunch at that time. Grief just happens. It just hits you at the most inopportune moment. I dared not look at any of the faces of the parents round me, as I made my way from our table in the corner of the cafe, to the safety of the private bathroom. On a weekend, families around the world pause together as they take a break from the working week and spend time with each other.... OK, so this may not always be a good thing, but to have had the choice to be a family, to watch my own children as they played, to offer my child new food to sample, to teach them new things, these are out of my grasp. At the moment, out of my future. And that is the grief of this day.

Father God, comfort Your daughters who long for their arms to be filled with the blessing of their own child, for the womb to receive the gift of the seed of life, for the family our hearts long to love. 

When Injustice Reigns.

I try not to allow the news to wind me up, but every now and then a story appears which really does make my blood boil. Like today. Flicking through the news over my morning coffee, I was suddenly bombarded with the headline about an MP who is.... Wait for it.... Expecting a baby with a lesbian couple (I've decided I'm not going to bother to put a link to the story). I mean, seriously...! First of all, why was it considered newsworthy at all, and secondly, why are they in the situation they are in enjoying the BLESSING of becoming parents while I plod on from one month to the next trying to make sense of a dream for children which has yet to become a reality?

It's when this kind of situation smacks me isn't he face that I wonder how the Bible can say "children are a gift from God" and balance this with the wickedness of these kinds of situations and the apparent right people think that have to be parents. Nope....this is not a politically correct statement to make, but this is my real life! To raise a child with three parents?? This is not what God ordained when He created "family". A child needs a father and a mother. One of each. To claim otherwise is insanity and has taken the idea of parenthood away from children being a gift to children being an accessory of a successful life. And then we start to get talk about children being genetically modified to a specific parents requirement, the "designer baby". So then is the Bible still right when it says, "children are a gift from God"???

If so, where does that leave people like me, who have no choice BUT to leave it all in God's hands and wait for Him to bring the blessing my way, while at the same time, trying to not be bothered by reports like these. Where is the justice in this? Where is the hope in this? Where is God in this???

Father God, trying to make sense of the world and the way injustice seems to overnight You and Your word is difficult. Especially when it comes to my struggle to comprehend why I can't have a child and yet people who are spitting in Your face and mocking Your word don't have any problems. I don't understand it, I don't understand why You have allowed us to do this. I don't need to, I guess. But help me to not become so frustrated and irritated by these types of stories that they have the potential to make me bitter about my situation.... Or bitter toward You. I hold on to the promise that You have said, "children are a gift" from You, but don't understand why this gift hasn't been bestowed on me. Other gifts have, and I thank You for them. 

Turbulence...

I was recently on a flight home from Israel, following an amazing trip led by the Israeli Tourist Board. In the seats next to me were a couple of teenage girls who were flying for the first time. For the first three hours, we had a very smooth flight, and there was much movement throughout the cabin as families congregated in the aisle, sharing food and stories. These two girls were laughing and giggling together, very much enjoying their experience, as they stood next to their mothers seated in the seats behind us. As the cabin crew made their rounds for dinner, the plane suddenly dipped, and the girls giggled... more with hysteria than a genuine sense of fun and adventure! Then the plane repeated its turbulent manoeuvre, and they both collapsed back into their seats laughing while grabbing the others girls hands and looking at each other wide-eyed, trying to make sense of what was happening. They looked to their parents for reassurance the plane wasn't about to fall out of the sky, even though it felt like it was; they also checked across to see how I was reacting. For the record... after retrieving my stomach from the ceiling above me, I continued tap-tap-tapping on my laptop, as I was working on a report about the trip.

There are many times in life when we hit turbulence, when life suddenly takes an unexpected turn and we look to someone... anyone... for reassurance. It may be a situation others are experiencing at the same time and we watch how they respond; or we look to someone older, wiser and seek their assurance that what is happening is not as scary as it seems to be.

And then it hit me... Infertility is very much like that! As we grow up, we have dreams about meeting our Mr Right, getting married and having two, three, four... a football team... number of children, preferably one of each, whose names we chose while the teacher was out of the room with our friends. We imagine how they may look, taking the best bits of ourselves and the current guy we have our eyes on... there are even apps for merging the faces of you and your man in order to see how your baby might look. Yep... I'm serious!! (NEVER tried it, though!!) Then suddenly, we reach our mid-thirties and realise the dream hasn't quite worked out as it should have done, and we're surrounded by this thick fog of turbulence... faith, emotions, future plans and fear are all impacted. How on earth am I supposed to deal with this? How on earth am I supposed to go from the smoothness that life had once been, to suddenly dealing with this huge, dark, cloud hanging over my head, and over my future hope?

I looked to the Bible, to see how women in my ancestry had dealt with it. I looked to friends who had experienced the same turbulence, to see how they were handling it. I looked to the internet, to dig out what I could about what was happening, and the correct way to respond... sometimes I found assurance, other times I didn't.

Back to the flight, as the turbulence continued to affect the plane, our pilot switched on the seatbelt sign, and the flight attendant's voice calmly explained the situation we were encountering. 

My Pilot, is God. He knows the full extent of the turbulence in my life, and He is fully aware of what's ahead in my life. I may not be blessed with children right now, but I have so many other things around me that I am thankful for, and instead of looking at the difficulty of infertility and all that it brings, I need to make the choice to enjoy the life He has blessed me with. Oh, that's not to say the turbulence doesn't bother me - it does, a great deal. But I'm done with sitting in my seat, rocking with fear and staring out of the window to see how quickly the ground is rushing towards me before impact. And so... I continue with the tap-tap-tapping of living each day as best I can. Trying to rest in God's shalom instead of allowing hysteria to overwhelm me. I say trying.... because there are times when it seems much worse than other days... these are the days when the turbulence threatens to drown me the most... that's when I need God's shalom the most.

Father God, I pray that You will help me to rest in your shalom, because honestly.... I can't always! I pray that You would be with every woman who experiences the turbulence of insecurity and all that it brings: fear, insecurity, hopelessness, intimidation, anxiety etc... replacing this with a deep sense of stillness - Your shalom. Be the pilot through the fogginess and whatever Your plans for everyone of us who longs for a child of our own, be the hope of the future You have destined for us. Oh God, may we really rest in Your shalom. In Yeshua's name.