We were driving home after dropping my Gorgeous Stepson at home and Hubby repeated a question he'd asked me after my last bout of tears.
"Would you consider adoption as an option if things don't work out?"
He didn't mean anything by it other than gauging where I'm at. The first time, I'd managed to ignore his question and bury my head in the sand because I really wasn't ready to vocalise my thoughts. But in a car.... There's no sand!
I was honest with him and shared the thoughts I'd already had charging around my mind. "I'm not sure I'm at that right place to be honest. What if we do adopt and then they turn around and yell at me, 'you're not my mum'? What if I can't bond with the child because there's not that natural bond between us? What if the child is so different from you and me they don't like us and leave us as soon as they can? I'm not sure I could handle anything like that. And adopting a child isn't the same as us having our own."
I know there are couples who do adopt and I know there are so many orphans desperate to be adopted, but for me the desire to be Bubba's Mamma is not so much about having a baby to raise, its about Hubby and I becoming parents of our own child. Not to have a designer 'pick your own child', but to be blessed by God in our marriage.
Maybe this is too simplistic a view. But this is the reality of where I'm at right now. Hubby asked, "so that option is off the table then?" and I told him things may change in the future, so it's not a permanent removal. Who knows what direction the Lord will take us on on this Journey for Bubba.
Father God I pray for all the orphans who have been adopted by parents who struggled to conceive. Lord I pray You would bless their relationships and cause the love to flow between patent r and child. Give Your wisdom to them Lord. I pray also for those orphans who are waiting to be adopted - be a Father to them, wrap them in Your love, protect them and lead them on the path You created them to walk upon. In Jesus name I pray.