The New BHF Advert

Is anyone else disturbed by the new British Heart Foundation advert, which features a baby not yet born, or is it just me being over-sensitive because Aunt Flo arrived on the same day I saw it???

I understand charities need to raise money and all that, but I do think the advert which is supposedly an unborn baby talking, is actually a really crude attempt at making money.

It's incredibly insensitive to all the mother's who have lost their children during pregnancy or childbirth.

Or I think it is.

Father I pray You would comfort any woman who sees this advert and re-lives the grief of losing her precious one. In Jesus name.

Pass Me a Lettuce Leaf...!

Now I'm all for trying to sort out what is causing me fertility issues, and making whatever changes to my diet are necessary in my desperation to conceive Bubba... But at this rate, I'm going to be eating nothing!

If it's not gluten it's yeast, if it's not avoiding acidic foods it's increasing our protein intake or eating anti-inflammatory foods... and now, it seems, cholesterol is being blamed (click on any of the words to link to relevant articles)... Oh, and we need to inject ourselves with egg yolks!

Add to this all the foods we cut out when TTC... caffeine, chocolate, alcohol; oh.... and the foods we know you shouldn't eat when you get pregnant, just in case we do get pregnant in that two week waiting period, we want to give our bubba the best start after the journey we have taken!! So these include food like blue cheese, pate, mayonnaise, mousse or anything which could contain raw eggs... the list is endless.

The question remains then... what is safe to eat!??!

I think these types of studies are looking for a way to appease those of us who are TTC, and it seems that this is starting to become a bit of a money-spinner... Our pain, misery and heartache seems to be being targeted by those who make a business out of pain, misery and heartache! Such cynicism, I know... but I;m actually become tired of "the experts" trying to change my diet and make me eat this, that and the other to increase my chances of conceiving.

The fact is, we are all different. No two women TTC is the same. Our bodies are different. Our immune systems our different. The causes of the restrictions on the success of our conceiving are different. The way our bodies respond to different foods is different. This is why I think we need to work out what our bodies are saying, rather than what the experts say, otherwise we will literally be afraid to eat. I think each couple needs to hear for themselves, from God, when it comes to working out what we are putting into our bodies.

I have tried to reduce the amount of gluten I eat, purely because I noticed that when I ate it, my body was reacting. The herbalist I went to see recommended I cut out acidic foods, which I did for a while. I continue to avoid eating refined products, like white sugar, white bread, white pasta, as much as I can, but I've stopped beating myself up when I am at a friends house and fed lasagna or offered home-baked cakes. Although, I don't accept them all the time, now and again, I think, is OK. Especially when Aunt Flo arrives and I'm fed-up!

I think we need a good dose of God's wisdom, because this whole area is still trying to be understood and research is being published almost every week for this study or that observation. I don't think there's one particular fertility diet, otherwise, hey - this would be so much easier to find something which works!!!

So, can someone pass me the bag of lettuce please!


Father God, help me to listen to my body with Your wisdom, and not in a weird new-agey kind of a way. Help me to know if food really is an issue for my body, in my struggle to conceive, and whether there are foods I need to avoid or increase to help you work a miracle in my life... Let me know what is the "possible" bit I can do, which will make a way for you to do the IMPOSSIBLE act in my broken body, so that my womb may bear fruit and Bubba will be conceived. But Lord, help me not to get so hung up on all this, that I can't hear your leading in my Journey for Bubba. In Jesus name I pray.

This Corrupted Life!

I'm sorry, but this is all getting ridiculous...

There's a headline in tonight's Daily Mail (I can't even bring myself to write it out) about a lesbian woman fighting with her ex-"partner" in court over the "parental right" to a child she had NO PART in creating (Read it here if you want). This is about the third such story I have read in as many weeks! And I was soooo frustrated at reading just the headline I nearly posted about it on FB... changed my mind 2 sentences in because my Journey for Bubba is not a public one!

It really does make my blood boil that so may babies are being in this "strange" situation - I use the word "strange" because God designed men and women to procreate. Full stop. So the fact that this woman is claiming to be the baby's "mum" just because she breast-fed the child while the actual mother was ill... well, this sets a whole new precedent of what makes a parent! All those wet-nurses who have been used throughout history, be prepared to fight for your parental rights, and get your cheque books out to pay the maintenance while you're at it!! Where will it all end?? When will we stop trying to re-define "parents"??

Children are a GIFT from God and I'm tired of reading about gay "couples" who create life outside of God's natural order, when there are decent couples who would make great parents, but who are struggling to conceive - even with the help of IVF, or IUI or all those other things being used to bless men and women with their baby. But to then use the child as a bargaining tool, as a weapon or means of eking out your anger and hatred is just incomprehensible!

And I've not even started on all the political stuff of the great "POSTCODE LOTTERY" - who is "acceptable" in the eyes of the great NHS gods who sit and make the judgement that in this county I'm not entitled to funding because I'm a step-mum... a Step-mum - for crying out loud - is NOTHING like being an actual, full-time, hands on, living, breathing, natural, there-through-the-good-times-and-the-bad, watching your baby grow through each life stage MUM!!! NOT THE SAME! I have God to walk me through this, but what of all the other step-mums who desperately want their own child, but have been told by the NHS they're not entitled to free IVF just because another woman's child calls their husband "DADDY"! And yet, according to the NICE guidelines, a "same-sex" couple ARE entitled to funding??!!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?????!!!!

Aye aye aye! This life! This corrupted life! This unjust life! This unfair life!

Grrrrrr!!!!

Rant over!!!


...and breathe!

A (Very) Brief IVF Journey

At the beginning of the year, Hubby and I visited his Nan. We do quite regularly anyway, so it wasn't a special Christmas / New Year visit or anything. On this occasion though, she was really excited to see us and said she wanted to speak to us, but not in front of Hubby's son... She did anyway because the excitement was too much for her!

She'd been speaking to Hubby's uncle about what we are going through, and decided that "the worst thing I could ever imagine is to not have my children and grandchildren; so I want to pay for IVF for you both."

After putting the dream of having Bubba to the back of my mind for a while, this kinda knocked me for six! Surely this was a gift from God?? Wasn't it?? A new hope for a new year??!!

So, I arranged for Hubby and I to attend an open evening at our nearest CARE Clinic, as I thought this would give us an overview of what to expect, and would answer some of the questions I had. As I'd had such a bad reaction to Clomid, I had already decided I wanted to go for "Natural" IVF rather than the full-on drug induced IVF, but wanted to find out what exactly this would entail and whether it was the right thing for us. Hubby was his usual, "Whatever you decide, I'll support", which actually wasn't helping me, as it's such a huge step to take with someone else's money.

I struggled to comprehend what this could mean for us, and whether this was really what God was leading us into.

The day of the open evening arrived, and Hubby and I booked the full day off work, so we could spend some time together to talk about our hopes and whether this really was the way forward for us.

When we arrived at CARE, we were ushered into a "school room" which had been set-up for the presentation, with lots of other couples... I think there were about 20-25 couples in total, well not just couples, there were people there in three's looking for information about surrogacy, as well as a couple of gay pairings.

The consultant led us through her presentation, which focused on full IVF, which I knew would be the case. I did learn some interesting things which I'd not considered in the past - although this led to momentary panic rather than security of the situation!! Such as how there are immune aspects which can affect the implantation... It made me wonder about during the cycles when I had been sooo late, whether this had been a factor. Anyway... I have no way of knowing, so best to bury that one deep in my brain somewhere!

After the 40 minute presentation, there was an opportunity to ask questions. Now normally, I would shy away from such public arenas, preferring to vocalise my personal questions after, when I can speak to the lecturer in private. But on this occasion, I needed to know! So up went my hand and out came my questions about Natural IVF. She went through the process of what would be involved... BUT... She made a point of saying that she wouldn't necessarily be happy carrying out natural IVF on me. She went on to explain about how high the risks of failure were, because the clinic would have no control over when the egg would be ready to release from the ovaries. This means there would be a greater chance of missing the moment, so to speak, that when they tried to collect my one egg released in my natural cycle, that the egg might have already released, leaving nothing to collect. Add this to the normal risks of that egg not fertilising, or not implanting once it's put back in, and there we have an excruciating decision to make. It didn't help that I didn't actually feel as though I'd been properly heard when I spoke about what we wanted, feeling like we were another avenue to the more expensive revenue of full IVF. Maybe that's just my perception.

I had gone to the open evening hoping to have a clear sense of what our next step was, but instead I left with a huge sense of sadness, and feeling no peace whatsoever. As we made our way home, Hubby and I spoke. He wasn't comfortable with any of what he had heard, especially with the huge risks of failure involved - for my sake, because he isn't sure I could handle the disappointment of failure; and also for his Nan's sake, as it is her money being invested in something which may or may not work, even though she had told us she knows of the risks and doesn't mind losing the money to give us the chance to try.

Over the next few weeks, I prayed, I spoke to a couple of women I trust as I tried to work out what to do. Hubby was still saying he would support my decision, but I know God well enough to know that if this was really the right step for us, Hubby and I would be in agreement. And we would have a sense of peace about embarking on this path. We didn't.

In fact, one Sunday Morning, a couple of weeks before the open evening, I was part of the Worship Team when I had a clear phrase come to mind - right there on stage, right in the middle of worship: "I don't want another person involved in the making of Bubba". Whether this was my voice, or God's voice, I don't really know for certain, but I do believe that I have to put my trust in God and in Him alone for the making of Bubba. We are a three-stranded chord. We clearly don't need another person involved in the process. As hard as this decision was to make, I know that I hope, that I believe this is right for us.

So as suddenly as the opportunity had presented itself, it disappeared, slipping out of my fingers, out of my life, and out of my future. So endeth my (very) brief IVF journey.


Father God, help me to trust you. I don't know where else I can turn to for help - except to You, the Author and Creator of life itself.

Food Won't Build My Faith...But Here's Food For Thought

Tonight's paper is carrying a story which every woman who has been TTC for a long time is well aware of!! Shock-horror... A woman's diet prior to conception has an impact on conception itself as well as on the development of the baby!!

See the article in the Daily Mail here

Science finally catches up!!

I have tried literally every dietary advice I have ever read in papers, magazine articles and on the internet... Taken vitamins, supplements, tried a herbal diet, an acid-free diet and I'm currently on a gluten-free diet!! All in the name of TTC!!

Why do I get sucked into these fads and, "it worked for that couple, maybe it'll work for me" ideologies?? I can tell you why. And it doesn't take science, or a study, or an examination. It's because I'm well aware, as many other women who are struggling to conceive, of the impact of what we put into our bodies on the development of our eggs, and of the womb lining. I never used to eat steaks, but now I try to have at least one a week because of the high iron content. I try to avoid processed food, in order to give my body as much natural source of nutrients as I can through what I eat. The more it resembles how God created it, the happier I feel about eating it.

Rachel, in the bible understood the importance of the food she ate, and of how some foods do seem to have an impact on fertility. She begged her rival older sister to give her some mandrakes one of her sons had found, that she might eat them, and have a child of her own. Genesis 30:14. Rachel wasn't acting in faith in God here, she was putting her faith in the 'power of the plant'. She thought by eating the mandrakes, she would be able to conceive.

That's not why I have changed what or how I eat.

God is the creator of my body, the way it works, the way it absorbs what it needs from what I put into it, and discards the junk. So by eating less processed food I'm hoping my body will work as God originally intended for it to work.

But the main reason for changing my diet is to combat the helpless I have felt about this Journey for Bubba. By making conscious choices about what I'm eating, I hope to give my body a better chance to response each month, I feel like I'm being pro-active in this walk. I hate feeling completely helpless, and by having some kind of control over what I eat, I hope that God will see the practical steps I have taken, and will one day bring the miracle I so long for.

I once heard it said, "before God can do the impossible, we have to do the possible." When the four men lowered their friend in through the roof at Jesus' feet, they had done all they could physically do. They carried him, they made a hole in the roof and lowered him to where Jesus was teaching. Jesus's response to their possibilities was to do the impossible - heal their friend.

This is my small act of doing what is possible, trusting God that He will one day, as He has done for so many women over the centuries, bring about what is impossible. The miracle of Bubba. Until then...I'll enjoy a few more steaks!

Father God, help me to not look at food as the source of my miracle, but as something to aid my body as I wait on You. I pray you would lead me when I eat, that I won't eat what is harmful to what You created, and will one day create, but that I will eat the right foods at the right time of the month according to what You know I need at each stage of my Journey. From the egg's maturity, to release, to strength in the lining. May the right egg be perfected, ready to be fertilised by the right sperm from Hubby. May everything be perfect in its time Lord. In Jesus name I pray.

Putting My Faith in Your Plans

In the service this evening, at my Church,we sang a song which contains the lines,

"I put my life in Your hands I put my faith in Your plans"

When you reach the place when your empty womb and empty arms create such a deep longing and ache in your heart, where your dreams and heart-desire remains hidden from you - to stand and sing this line takes guts.

I don't mean that kind of blind singing which we often do just to follow the rest of the congregation. No. I mean to sing the words, knowing that you actually do mean them, even though it feels as though saying them rips something from your heart.

Is this what Jesus means by 'a sacrifice of praise'???

I can feel safe knowing my life is in God's hands. This is the safest place to be right now.

But the second bit is harder... Putting my faith in God's plans at the risk of my own plans and desires not being fulfilled. To really believe God has my best in His intentions. To allow faith to carry beyond the tears into His presence with boldness and security.

Father, help me to really know I can put my faith in Your plans, knowing that You will make all things right, according to what You are trying to do in me and through me. In Jesus' name.

When Heaven Is Silent...

One of the things I promised myself, when I first started writing this blog, is that I would use this as a way of being real with my own thoughts, as a means of trying to work out what I am feeling.... I'm not the most expressive of people - except through writing. Somehow I have always found it easier to write than to speak about what I think or feel - which completely drives Hubby mad, because he prefers me to talk than to have to read about it!

This kind of walk which we're going through, which seems so endless and hopeless, also has made it harder for me to connect with the God Who I have always depended on. We all go through those times when God seems so far away, when our cries, our pleading,our prayers seem to surround us with their taunting echoing - as though bouncing around and around the cold stone walls which have built up around me. When the silence from God is so deafening, it hurts, and my heart is weary from all the tears. 

I have never gone through such a long struggle to connect with my Saviour, as I seem to be going through at this moment... and as much as I would love to see an end to the infertility challenge, I would also love to see an end to the silence of heaven. I love to study His Word, and gain so much from those times - but that personal one-on-one connection which we all long for with Heavenly Father... this is missing. Maybe it's because I have made myself busy, in order to try to handle this Journey? Maybe it's because I am battle weary? Maybe it's the anger at what we are struggling with? Maybe it's the endlessness of the Journey? Maybe it's the seemingly unanswered prayers over these last few years? Maybe it's because Hubby and I aren't as united in our desperation to seek God as we should be? Maybe it's all this and more.

I'm not posting this in the hope for pity or anything... I'm posting it because I believe that there are many others in the same Journey for Bubba who may also be feeling so distant from God, who may also experience that same sense of aloneness, desperation and sadness, in thinking God has forgotten about us, about the promise for us to be a mother, has turned His back on us and has become as bored with our pleas as we have become with repeating ourselves.

But regardless of how we feel, "Everything is going to be OK"
God not only comforts us in our grief and loneliness, He wipes our tears, collecting them as they flow - each precious heartfelt sob from the heart - and places them in a special place. When we are with Him, He will show you exactly how close He was to you. He hasn't stopped caring about you, or what you are going through, because nothing can separate you from the love He lavishes on you. Whatever else you think and feel about your Journey, somehow we have to look past this, and hold onto the truth that our Heavenly Father hasn't given up on us, and that He is trying to speak to us, as much as we are trying to listen. His grace is sufficient to carry you through each day - each heart-breaking month which passes, each grief-stricken sob of hopelessness. He will never leave you. He will never abandon you. He won't give up on the plans and promises He has for you. So whatever you feel... reflect on these things, and may they keep you close to God, embraced in His strong arms of love and support, and may you find rest in His peace.